Bartish is Dead To Me

I've known Mike Bartish for a long time. Over that time I have overlooked a great number of things.

When he told me that I must be charming as hell because I was definitely unattractive, I laughed it off.

When he forced me to bet Elmo and then pay for it to get it back, I took it as a life lesson.

When he called me at 3:30 in the morning to let me know that he was on the roof of his house, I shrugged it off as a drunken prank. As well as the six subsequent calls.

When he caused me to lose $45 dollars at one table by watching me play blackjack and jinxing my luck, I simply moved to a different table. Even then he said Hi to me from afar and I lost a double-down, I forgave him.

When he failed to block Ted Kiser during the most celebrated sack in 1L Express history, I shook it off as good videotape material.

When he walked into my friends sliding glass door with a full glass of beer, I chuckled and told everyone he was mildly retarded.

When he lead the movement that would inevitably lead to me being killed on a desert island because of my succulent ass-meat, I simply chalked it up to Darwinism.

When he convinced his preacher to lecture me about living in sin at his wedding reception, I took it as a message from God and left the girl.

When he put Two-Hole on my softball jersey, well, there wasn't much I could do about that.

So it goes without saying I have cut the guy some slack. I then find out that he has decided to ditch the UC/Miami tailgate to go to the Notre Dame/Purdue game, I think I have finally lost it. Why?
1)He's known about the tailgate for at least two months.
2)He's skipped out on the first three
3)The last Notre Dame game he went to, last week's unbelievable win over MSU, he left before the 4th quarter.
4)Moose gave up tickets to last years Notre Dame USC game to come to the tailgate.
5)It's friggin' PURDUE!

So Bart, my memories of my first trip to Vegas are of three people, not four. I walked by myself around Western Hills Country Club. At Wainio's fundraiser I was chanting "Pants", not "Bartish's Pants". And I alone couldn't figure out it was Bret Bone serving me beer at the Yucatan Liquor Stand. I hope your happy.

Ewald Must Be Kicking Himself

Clearly this league should be run by Ewald.

Top Eleven Defining Moments In Law School

It was ten years ago this month that our law school experience began. Obviously we look back fondly on those times. The question becomes, of those times, which was most important, most representative of the times we now remember? Here they are:

11)Bart and Moose move in together. One was a loud, obnoxious, attention starved student who did little studying and a lot of drinking. The other was Bartish. Thus began the Aunt Ellie's era. Without this apartment we wouldn't have Poker Night, Hook Up or Throw Up, the Tower Eight and countless hours of sexual orientation speculation. This duo was the center of all relevent law school planning.

10) Section One comes together. This one, like the one above it, pains me to write. But section one included Moose, Bart, Bjorn, Susie, Max, and Budelsky. Probably some that I have forgotten. But early in law school you invite one you get ten to fifteen people. They referred to themselves at "the popular kids", but everyone else called them the "Heathers".

9) The second ski trip. The first ski trip included many second years like my brother and Toby. It wasn't until the second ski trip that the party got legs. We rented a five room condo with about 15-20 people. Broken legs, bedroom congas and hot stories abound. Set the stage for Ski Trip 3.0 which featured some of the most competitive Cups action ever.

8)Budelsky wears a Dartmouth t-shirt for the 18 straight day. This is amazing for a couple reasons. One, they never repeated. (The author's favorite will always be the keg-jumping shirt) Two, it took us that long to realize how Bud was inappropriately arrogant. He went to an Ivy league school, dammit.

7)The popular kids take Max in under their wings. Before Max was socially awkard and shy. Think Patrick Dempsey in "Can't Buy Me Love". Well, he didn't buy Moose a leather jacket, but by the time they were done think Patrick Dempsey in "Grey's Anatomy". And don't pretend you don't watch that show.

6)Pub Crawl. First of many. Several good stories, but the significance of this event is this is when the Class of 98 really wrestled control of the law school. Socially that is.

5)Opening Day, 1996. If memory serves me, we had about 80 people confirmed for the game. A slight problem with the umpiring situation caused a delay. (quick aside: Moose was standing in line to get beer when the umpire died. By the time he go to the register the game was cancelled and beer sales were halted. He did not know this. So the clerk calmly explained to him that he couldn't have a beer because the umpire had died. His response was "What, was he supposed to bring up the kegs?" Great guy that Moose.) So suddenly we needed to replan for the next day and maintain the beer buzz. Western Bowl, Willie's and Uncle Woody's all factored in to the occasion. Seven days and one pair of underwear later Moose returned home and we determined that the combination of Opening Day and the Final Four was a pretty good party.

4)I attend Eric Clark's 22nd birthday party. I barely knew Eric. He was a friend of a friend, mired in the Class of 99. That night I watched him work his magic on a diverse crowd of five women (including his wife). This night, coupled with further incidences of bravado, made me decide this guy might be as arrogant as Budelsky and as clueless as Bartish. He was a must for Poker Night. Still #2 in poker night's hosted. Serves as liason between his class and our class, even though most agree he's in our class.

3)Drafting and creation of the charter for the Student Law School Tackle Football Club. Somewhere in UC there should be a painting similar to this one depicting the signing of that charter in room. The 1L Express went undefeated in it's three year history, defeating every class and the Med School too. The formation of this team paved the way to creation of a much more powerful team, Schmoozing & Boozin.

2)Decision to join the Cincinnati Bar Association Softball league. Originally conceived as Schmoozin', Boozin' and Loozin', L.P.A. this team was responsible (or so said our letter) for raking the in field and passing out beers before the game. A roster of twenty or so law students gradually became 12 and in 2000 won the league Championship. This team saw some horrible players and some great uniforms. The addition by subtraction of Mike Bartish got the championship and the team still exist today, five uniforms later. This event ranks at number two because it also brought about the infamous UVA trip. Former student Marc Browning invited us to a law school only tourney in Virginia. Most people have heard the stories of the trip so frequently that they can tell it as if they were there as well. Like Bud, he can tell the story of the trip even though he was at home picking out floral arrangements.

1)Bartish decides to host a poker night after watching an episode of Seinfeld. The influence was was widespread and ubiquotous. No social activity or rumor or innuendo came into being without the say-so of Poker Night. Almost every activity above started as a brain child and was developed at Poker Night

(Honorable Mention-- Selecting Hill View Golf Course.)

Another Game, More Cerebral

In this game you try to find 50 movie titles in the painting. They are all "dark" movies. I have 33 so far.

If You Like Risk

Then try this maddingly addictive game. I can win with 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6. But not 7 or 8.

Radiodread

Moose:

Not sure if you read the blog, E, but this is right up your alley:

Radiodread

I've actually heard the "Subterranean Homesick Alien" cover. It isn't bad, but I'm not sure that I would call it "reggae."

Celebrities and Sports Rivalries

BUD:
Were you aware that Dave Chappelle is now living in Yellow Springs, Ohio? That's just a stone's throw up the road from the 'Nati. Maybe he'll be performing at Go Bananas one of these nights and Timmy (always connected to the comedy club circuit) can organize an outing.

Speaking of Yellow Springs, I stumbled across this town and the surrounding area a few years ago when I went hiking in Clifton Gorge and John Bryan State Park (a real nice hike, if you're looking for something to do on a crisp, fall Saturday afternoon, but I digress). This little corner of Ohio is a real melting pot of higher education -- it is home to the three most diverse schools that could coexist within 8 miles of each other. Yellow Springs is home to ultra-liberal Antioch College. Whole lotta vegan restaurants, Birkenstock stores, and "womyn's studies" majors clad in hemp clothing to be found in Yellow Springs. Traditionally-black college Wilberforce is just down the road. Forming the third point on this area's higher education triangle is Cedarville University, a "Christ-Centered, Baptist university." It's always killed me thinking about what the sports rivalries must be like between these three schools. I smell a movie script somewhere in here. Think PCU meets A Different World meets the road trip from Animal House. I bet we could even get Jeremy Piven and Kadeem Hardison to anchor the project.

Current Rankings

CALAWAY-
I like lists. I own three different copies of the "Book of Lists". I like to gossip and base opinions on things that are not necessarily true. So here is my current rankings of people from the Class of 98. There is no formula other than it is a Top Ten, so if you didn't make the cut you need to do more.
10)Eric Clark. Gets participation points for Fantasy Football and softball. Went to Opening Day and the tailgates. Losses points for not being in the Class of 98. Is planning on attending my poker night next Saturday.

9)Todd Calaway. I cannot rank myself any higher. For many reasons. (Baby Spice)

8)Michael Budelski. Gains points for procreating and writing this blog. Won tickets for Opening Day. Losses points for living in Seattle and leaving second base to #9. (Sporty Spice)

7)Susie Beamer. Lives closer than Bud.

6)Brian Ewald. Always a gamer for whatever. Still called Dr. Teeth. Loses points from everyone but me for hosting a World Cup party.

5)Tim Ammer. Gets points for finding Susie a boyfriend. Has planned numerous events that never happened. Also very good at being at events, just in a better spot than you. Red's game bleachers? Timmy is in View Level. Bengals game? Timmy is playing on the fifty yard line. Also part of his Condo Association Board. Not sure this matters. Loses points for being the worst euchre player ever.

4)Max Huffman. Professor. Has turned down jobs at Harvard and Yale to stay in Cincinnati. List's Madonna's as his favorite bar. Loses points for refusing to acknowledge that we lived together.

3)Bjorn Chavez. Easily spends more time playing poker than he does working. That's enough to get you to #3. Also has seen 80 of the AFI 100 Greatest Films ever. (Posh Spice)

2)Chris Musillo. I didn't want to rank him this high, but everyone would protest because he's such a "great guy". The great guy owns three cats, follows men's tennis very closely and has seen Madonna in concert ten times this year. Also gets points for running his own "Immigration Law" blog. Plays poker second to Bjorn and enjoys the company of men. (Ginger Spice)

1)Mike Bartish. Appeared on the Price Is Right. Valiently fought off gay rumors for close to a decade now. Single handedly made the first night of my bachelor party. Started YouTube craze. Loses points for only managing to call Scary Spice while watching "Wannabe".

Old School Top 10 List

BUD:
This is an old email from Lil' Bart dated March 1, 1999. I post it because as I said in response to Calaway's Top 11 list, we need to do a better job of coming up with inane rankings for ourselves -- a man needs to know where he stands. (It is pure coincidence that I happened to post a ranking that I sit on top). Good stuff.

I personally agree with Bud on his ranking system. Poker night is not simply about winning and losing of money, but it is also about other intangibles already mentioned. In light of this criteria, my rankings are as follows:
1. Bud (As much as it pains me to rank my nemesis this high, facts are facts. He has stayed in the same seat for the second longest duration. He had and lost lucky bear. He is very boisterous at poker night. And he wins the most. He introduced $10 dollar whore, an orinal PN game. Obvious choice. Todd's poll loses all credibility in my opinion for his failure to put the obvios choice #1. Whether we like it or not, he has to have the #1.)
2. Moose (He lived at Aunt Ellies, stayed in his seat the longest, owned the game of capitalism, Martini Night participant, made all Vegas trips, was represented by a card in a number of games.)
3. Chavez (Although really didn't start winning to the end, his strong perfomance in WOP deserve recognition. Stayed in same seat for majority of time. Was the central character in many Poker Night Scandals and gossip)
4. Bartish (This seems to be wear I rank in many other polls. I was incredibly hot during most ofd second year - possibly even leading money winner until horrible slump and Budelsky's rise. Won Todd's Elmo. Introduced Old Faithful, Pub Crawl, Bartish's roomate. Namesake of Bartish on Stick. Did Pelvic thrusts when I thought I won with 4 nines, provided Aunt Ellies, organized Vegas Trips, Butt of many jokes and pranks.)
5. Calaway (Almost feel like ranking him lower due to his self inflated ranking system, but he is a founding member and driving force behind poker night. Supplier of pretzels and stories. Head gossip monger which is invaluable. Lost a stuffed Elmo. Won all the time in the beginning. Suspect winnings - always brings up Vegas and Argosy and Atlantic City yet only wins when I'm not around.)
6. Clark (A bit of an upset that the youngster advanced this high this quick. Solid member. High attendance percentage. May have singlehandedly save poker night thru a virtrilic email scolding us for not playing ever weekend. Provided temporary home for PN when Aunt Ellies was not available.)
7. Max (one of the founding six. Represented by a card in the most games. Created some of the worst Poker Night games of all time in Fuck You Milo (Elmo) and Othello. Responsible for great deal of Poker Night gossip and scandal. Broke the most dining room chairs (3). Deepest voice when singing.
8. Doug (Didn't really start playing until final year which hurts his rankings. Lost lots of money at until a very strong performance during final stretch. Created possibly the most original and funniest game at PN - Guess Who is the 1L Homosexual.
9. Shane (Doormat as far as winnings are concerned however always came back for more. Took more punishment than most could ever handle yet always maintained stiff upper lip. Introduced 5 card McGee (Aces, Traces, One Eyed Faces (although he claims he called deuces instead treses)
10. Ewald (The man who gave us WOP, no more need be said.)

Preview of the UC Law Tailgater

Althogh I cannot make the tailgater this year, I am quite confident that the following video accurately depicts what those who attend can expect. Check out Lopez on the keyboards.

Bart

Top Eleven Reasons the UC Tailgate is the Best Ever

11) It's a stone's throw from the stadium. So after six hours of drinking you can practically fall into the stadium. Not quite as literally as when Will tackled Bjorn onto the playing field. During the game. (They were kicked out)

10)Bathrooms in the Alumni Center are even closer. Indoor plumbing. A sink. Modern conveniences that are largely forgotten after drinking for six hours.

9)UC sets up a huge party with bands and food and kid's games and fun stuff like that. You can see it from our tailgate. Not that you would ever leave our tailgate.

8)The parade usually finishes right by our parking lot. Band nerds will always be band nerds. I don't care if they are having sex with each other. That doesn't count.

7)Servatii Pretzel with beer cheese. Enough said.

6)Music selection that goes from Foghat to Janet Jackson to Cornershop to Poison. Girls secretly like music thats played in strip clubs. Not that I would know what music is played in strip clubs.

5)Kaden Clark. Now in his fourth year. I think he's three years old and this is his fourth tailgate. If watching a three-year-old pound beers with his dad doesn't get you fired up, I don't know what will. It was either beer or a juice box, I don't remember. (Honorable mention to Kathy Lasher's Mom. For some reason when she shows up there is no person I would rather see. She's my fun aunt who gave me sips of her beer at the family picnic. She's been every year too.)

4)Budelsky free. That's right. No fleece vest wearing, Samba sporting, Dartmouth elitists hanging around out tailgate explaining that they "have a better idea".

3)All the tailgate staples. Beer, food, cookies and chips. A grill going in the back. A pickup that you get a view of the parking lot. Cornhole and a football. If this doesn't interest you then you have no soul and you should move to Darfur.

2)Speaking of beer, this tailgate offers one of the toughest Cups competition this side of the Alleghenies. I'm not sure where the Alleghenies are, but I do know we have great players that excel both in the team format and last year's "Survivor" format. (Reigning champion:Christin C.) Bring your best team and go home with your tail between your legs. (Two years ago UC defeated Miami's team 13 times out of 14 matches.)

1)Not many people have experienced number one, but it remains with all who have been there. I get there about 8:30 in the morning. Bjorn and Moose return with the beer around 9:00. For the next couple hours we play poker in the back of the pickup as the campus comes to life. Something peaceful about drinking beer, playing cards for nickels and getting ready to tailgate. It helps that we are usually drunk by the time most people show up.

rick springfield-love somebody

LilBart

I believe our MTV Video experiment ended too soon. Accordingly, I will continued to submit videos for discussion to the Blog. One of my favorites from Rick Springfield.

Grand Rapids, MI

MOOSE:

Bart's "new hometown" is going to be prominently featured in this weekend's New York Times. Sounds like a neat little city. I'm surprised that their intrepid reporter didn't mention the GR's burgeoning gazebo population though. And no word on when the NYT is doing "36 Hours in Price Hill"; they're probably waiting for the Real World crew to finish.

The Cincinnati one was done about three years ago. It includes the compelling line: "Well, for once the news from Cincinnati is upbeat and decidedly not sleazy." Damn liberal east coast media slamming fly-over country. Have you played corn-hole, New York Times?

Anti-Internet Gambling Bill

LIL BART

Is anyone as worried about this thing passing as I am. It basically updates the wire act to include internet poker. I have never been very political in the past nor really cared about what laws congress passes - but this one really pisses me off. In has affected me so much that I honestly do not think I will ever vote for another Republican again (save McCain who doesn't count). Honestly, the Christian right has completetely taken over this frickin' party. I am sick of evertyone picking their representatives based on that persons morality. Most of the most moral people I know are idiots - you know why. Because their morality prevents them from doing things that could get them in trouble. Accordingly, they have never had to think on their feet about how to get out of trouble. Because their brain doesn;t have to exert itself, it atrophies thus making them a moran. Seriously, think about it. Why do you think Clinton (who I didn't particulary care for) did such a decent job running the country. That guys brain was probably working non-stop throughout his whole life.

P.S. - I love my little roster link.

Poker Lawsuit

Moose recently brought to my attention the lawsuit by a bunch of poker players against the professional poker association. In my judgment, it's unlikely to make it very far, but these lawsuits are rarely about succeeding on the merits. What they are about, as Moose recommended, is writing articles. Here's an intro paragraph:

Many of us have played the game, sitting on barstools in October (World Series), December or January (bowl games and pro football playoffs), March (March Madness) or later in the spring (pro basketball and hockey playoffs). Also during every fourth February (Olympic curling). "What defines a sport?" We ask. The responses vary. "It can't be something with an engine." (The anti-Nascar set.) "Skill has to overcome strength." (Baseball fans.) "Raw strength must overcome teamwork." (Wrestling and Boxing afficianados.) "You can't play it drinking a beer." (True athletes.) "It's OK to drink beer during the event, just not during actual play." (Bowlers and softballers.) Or maybe it's just we lawyers---we need a test for everything. (See Lemon v. Kurtzman, ___ U.S. ___ (___).)

Add another defining characteristic to the mix. It's a sport when it can claim its own antitrust litigation. College basketball had it long ago. (See Regents of the Univ. of Oklahoma v. NCAA.) College football can claim Maurice Clarett. Hockey and pro football, too. (Right, Moose? Help a guy out.) Professional baseball can do them all one better---anything with its own antitrust exemption must be a sport even Nietzche can subscribe to. And now, let's add one for the ages: professional poker, long a staple of low-tier cable channels, has graduated to the ranks of "sport." In NAME OF LAWSUIT, a band of highly successful poker professionals have sounded their own barbaric "yalp." No matter what the result of their highly publicized antitrust litigation, the newest addition to the ranks of sport must forever be reckoned with.

Which is good, because their claims should be dismissed at summary judgment. (So on and so on.)

What do you guys think?

Max

Roster additions

MOOSE:

I finally got around to adding a few more to our roster ------------->

Porn Lists!

BUD:
Ok, so this article is actually about a list of hotels that don't have porn. Make a note of which hotels to avoid when you travel, Moose.

The referenced website is really just a search engine to find available hotel rooms in the area that you are visiting that don't happen to have adult pay-per-view movies in the rooms. It might actually find a niche. My question is: why is there a pledge? And what is the point of signing it?

I did like to see that Cincinnati "family values crusader" Phil Burress is getting some national media attention. It's too bad that the article quoted Paul Cambria (one of Louie Sirkin's porn lawyer rivals) for the other side and not our local boy.